Today on 'The View'

The ladies plucked a co-host from the audience who was a nice woman from suburban Pennsylvania who sells sex toys so she can pay for her sons upcoming bar mitzvah. That knowledge will surely make him a man.

Rosie forced the nice PA dildo lady to talk about her views on Iraq, she didn't seem to enjoy it.

Rosie told us for the 338th time that she has hot flashes.

Today on 'The View'

Sherri Shepherd guest hosts. I love it when she's on, you never know what she's going to say. The first time she was on she talked candidly about how she wanted to kill her husband when she caught him cheating after they had a baby. Unapologetic and detailed in her rage, she made us all understand in no uncertain terms that revenge was an acceptable option given her circumstances. It was awesome!

Meanwhile there is a discussion about a book that was banned in schools because it used the word 'scrotum', which Babs had to then define for the audience because apparently we're retarded. Not one to miss out on a good old fashioned book banning, Elizabeth jumps in to say she frequently censors books she reads to Grace, her two year old daughter. Books like, "Babar".

Given the Britney Spears madness, it was only natural that Richard Lewis came on and talked about his "former" drinking and drug use while wearing sunglasses and talking incoherently. A bleeped comment after Lewis serenaded the ladies with his 'scrotum song' caused Babs to gasp and declare, "What are we dong on this show?!" Spreading right-wing ideology via Lizzy's rampant censorship, giving an unlimited forum for Rosie O'Donnel's radicalism and slowly ruining your own dream to bring together intelligent women (remember when 75% of them actually were journalists instead of comedians and reality show contestants?) for thought-provoking conversation. That's what you're doing Barb! Excellent work.

Today on 'The View'

I had to do real work today and missed it. And decided simultaneously that it was not worthy to take up DVR space. I've still got three episodes of 'The White Rapper Show' to watch after all.

http://www.radaronline.com/features/2006/12/white_club.php

Today on "The View"

Rosie fired Joy.

But can I just stop for a minute and say how much I love those Jimmy Dean sausage commercials. The ones where the dopey blonde guy is dressed as the sun and he's going off to work like the rest of us. It's just his job to provide life to the earth. Maybe it's the tinkly piano music in the background, I don't know, but I always feel warm and happy afterwards. And don't even get me started on the ones where he's hanging out in the office with the moon - hilarious.

So once again Joy makes a joke, Rosie takes offense because Joy is funnier than her and so Rosie announced that Joy was going to be fired.

But it wasn't just a menopausal woman Rosie took umbrage with, during that seriously creepy segment, "I Can't Believe A Kid Did It", Rosie threw down with an 11-year-old chef. It was actually pretty awesome, the young girl had this deep commanding voice and was a precocious smart aleck. When Rosie mistook her pears dressed up like bunnies for pears dressed up like mice, she asked the host, "Are you visually impaired?". Later Rosie tried to get back at the tyke, which was just pathetic.

Barbara is still nutso. During her interview with Adrian Pasdar (Nathan Petrelli on "Heroes") Babs said she wished her super power was invisibility, cooing, "Wouldn't that be great?". I don't think she knows Pasdar is just an actor and "Heroes" is fiction. Later Babs showed a picture of her dog dressed up in glasses to somehow prove her dog could compete in the Westminster Dog Show. I guess in the reading comprehension portion of the competition. This is the same dog that supposedly said to Walters, "I Love You". Check it - http://gawker.com/news/top/barbara-walters-dog-apparently-as-articulate-as-elisabeth-hasselbeck-200083.php

That bitch is crazy.

Today on "The View"

Pre-empted by a Presidential Address. Apparently Bush just sat down with General Patraeus who had just had a few beers with the commander in Iraq whose name we don't care about, and Iran is bombing Iraq. Well, close enough. That's what that turd with a smirk wants us to believe. When one intrepid journalist asked Bush how we are supposed to believe him on this count when they lied about the WMD's (once again, paraphrased). Bush is like "cuz I said so bitch".

What a douche.

Today on 'The View'

The Super Nanny guest hosts. Why do I love her so much? But delight turned to disappointment when I realized she wasn't going to put Rosie OR Elisabeth into a time out.

Rosie did that thing again where Joy says, "All 7th graders have ADHD," then Rosie jumps in to save the day by declaring, "they don't really have ADHD." As if Behar's comment would cause a shitstorm the size of, oh I don't know, one of Rosie's. Rosie, I'm begging you, let Joy tell a freaking joke every now and then!! It's one of the only things left that's funny on the show. Other than Hasselbeck's screechy anti-Dixie Chicks remarks. She took them off her IPOD. Oh my god, she's so funny when she thinks she caused economic damage in the name of patriotism.

Yesterday on 'The View'

Whooooo! It was a good one all the way around. Instead of showing a little restraint in light of recent events, Rosie simply plowed forward with her ripping analysis of Anna Nicole Smith. This is the thing, Rosie O'Donnell cannot be wrong. She has this thing that she has to talk louder than everyone else and that means she's right. I know people like this, they're really f'ing annoying. Perhaps that's why this particular Rosie'ism is bugging me so much. She reminds me of someone who I'd love to slam, so instead I'll direct all that negative energy to Rosie. Which also explains why in the beginning I really loved Rosie being on the show. I thought (not unlike Babs) that she brought a new refreshing energizing kick in the ass to the show without the crazy God talk that Star Jones spewed as she insulted anyone who wasn't big, black or rich. Not really what Jesus would do AT ALL.

Anyway, my feelings towards Rosie have changed and also not unlike Walters, I'm wishing she had never brought her particular brand of venom to the show. She's lacking in self-awareness and somehow thinks she's the PC gal on the panel, shushing Joy Behar anytime she makes a joke for fear it might offend. I guess it's okay to insult people if you're talking about it in a serious manner, but if you say something hilarious when you do it a lá Behar, it's somehow dangerous. I really wish she would just watch a tape one day, I think she could be helped just like all those people on Dr. Phil.

But the best crazy of the day came from Granny herself. Walters showed us her dementia is bordering on Brando when she asked Eva Longoria if she "was still skinning cats". And yes, she meant real cats, as if Eva sat around and did this for fun. Somehow Babs got it into her head that since Eva grew up on a farm, this must have been one of the activities that takes place. I'm sure it had nothing to do with Walters pre-conceived notion that all Hispanics eat cat.

I love this show.

Today on 'The View'

I forgot that Friday's are previously recorded, so no Anna Nicole talk today. Boo.

Instead we all were treated to the dulcet tones of Josh Groban, who makes me feel like I'm in church.

A new segment, 'I Can't Believe A Kid Did It' was also religious and creepy. 12 year old girl, Akiane Kramarik was inspired by God to paint leopards and black children in front of waterfalls. Apparently she's selling these for millions of dollars. Not surprisingly, one of these paintings looks exactly like featured guest, Josh Groban.

Today on "The View"

I can't believe it. Today seemed to be a quiet day at the coffee table. Rosie mouthed off about how Anna Nicole Smith looked highly medicated in a press conference and then made a face imitating her that kinda looked like Rosie's Donald Trump impression. And I thought "No way is this going to be controversial, Anna Nicole always looks medicated." Well, Anna Nicole - RIP.

Tune in tomorrow where Rosie issues an apology.

Today on "The View"


Barbara Walters, on Ted Haggard, the Christian Evangelist busted doing crystal meth and gettin' it on with a prostitute of the male variety. Or I guess allegedly. Whatever. Anyway, according to 'The Denver Post', Haggard says he's completely a hetero now. Praise Jesus.

Babs blatantly ripped off Jon Stewart's joke from his show the night before when she cried out, “You know when a kid is caught smoking and the dad makes him smoke a carton so he won't smoke again? What did they do to Ted Haggard in three weeks to make him stop being gay?”

Yes, this was paraphrased, but I enjoy the quotes. It's so dramatic.

The other ladies laughed like they would lose their jobs if they didn't and tossed out comments in Barbara's direction such as "You're SO saucy!"